June 15, 2025 | #44 | read on The Happier Studio | Free Version
Welcome to The Happier Newsletter, a weekly newsletter where I provide actionable ideas to help you build a happier, healthier, and more meaningful life.
What’s On Today
- Why "Having It All" Feels Empty
- What Actually Works
- The Path to Authentic Living
Why "Having It All" Feels Empty
Have you ever achieved something you worked toward for years, only to feel a strange emptiness afterward?
You're not alone. This phenomenon has a name in psychological research: hedonic adaptation.
Here's the trap many of us fall into:
"I'll be happy when I get the promotion."
"I'll feel successful when I hit six figures."
"Once I achieve X, then my life will really begin."
But neuroscience reveals something fascinating: these achievements deliver only brief spikes of happiness before we return to our baseline. Our brain's reward system simply wasn't designed for lasting fulfillment from external accomplishments.
Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky's research shows that external circumstances, including all your achievements and possessions, account for only about 10% of your happiness. The "hedonic treadmill" keeps us running after the next goal, perpetually chasing satisfaction that never quite sticks.
Meanwhile, what truly creates sustainable wellbeing gets ignored.
What Actually Works
Genuine fulfillment comes down to something more fundamental than achievement.
It's about how you relate to yourself and others.
The evidence reveals three psychological needs that must be met for genuine wellbeing (based on Self-Determination Theory):
- Autonomy: Living according to your values, not external pressures
- Competence: Growing and developing in ways that matter to you
- Connection: Having relationships where you feel truly seen and accepted
When these needs are satisfied, people report higher wellbeing regardless of external achievements. When these needs are thwarted, even amid "success," psychological distress follows.
The key insight? Your happiness isn't waiting at the finish line. It's determined by how you travel.
The Path to Authentic Living
The most powerful shift happens when you realize that fulfillment isn't something you achieve, it's something you practice.
Here are four evidence-based practices to transform your relationship with yourself and reclaim your wellbeing:
1. Identify Your "Borrowed Standards"
Your brain is running invisible scripts that may not even be yours.
Research in cognitive psychology shows we internalize standards from parents, social media, culture, and peers, often without realizing it.
Try this: In a quiet moment, complete these sentences honestly:
- "I should always be..."
- "Success means..."
- "I'm behind if I haven't..."
Now the crucial question: Who taught you these standards? Are they actually yours?
For each belief that doesn't truly align with your values, write a more authentic alternative. This conscious "script editing" activates areas of your prefrontal cortex associated with cognitive flexibility.
2. Practice Psychological Flexibility
Research from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy shows that psychological flexibility, the ability to stay present with difficult thoughts without being dominated by them, is strongly linked to wellbeing.
When your inner critic says: "You should be further along by now."
Try responding with: "I'm noticing the thought that I should be further along. That's an interesting perspective, but it's just a thought, not reality."
This creates what psychologists call "cognitive defusion," the ability to see thoughts as mental events rather than absolute truths. Studies show this simple practice reduces anxiety and improves resilience.
3. Design Your Own Success Metrics
Brain imaging studies reveal something fascinating: when we pursue goals aligned with our authentic values, the brain's reward circuitry activates differently than when pursuing externally-imposed goals.
Today's challenge: Create personal success metrics that reflect what truly matters to you.
Instead of generic goals like "get promoted" or "make more money," try:
- "Have three conversations each week where I feel deeply connected"
- "Spend 20 minutes daily on something that engages my creativity"
- "Notice and appreciate one thing my body can do each day"
These specific, process-focused metrics keep you anchored in what actually contributes to wellbeing according to the research.
4. Build Your "Enough Practice"
Neuroscientist Alex Korb's research shows that gratitude exercises shift neural activity from dissatisfaction circuits toward contentment, but with a twist.
The most effective gratitude isn't just listing positives; it's actively countering our brain's negativity bias by consciously recognizing "enough-ness" in our present lives.
Daily practice: Each evening, complete this sentence: "Even though there's always more to do and achieve, today was enough because..."
This isn't toxic positivity—it's training your brain to recognize sufficiency alongside ambition.
The Path Forward
Breaking free from the achievement trap doesn't mean abandoning goals or ambition. It means pursuing them from a fundamentally different foundation, one where your worth isn't conditional on outcomes.
The research consistently shows that people who live this way not only report greater wellbeing but often achieve more meaningful success because they're operating from intrinsic motivation rather than compensatory striving.
Your life isn't something to perfect and then finally enjoy. Your life is happening now, in all its glorious imperfection.
And you've always been enough to live it.
